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Not One Damn Breath Day (satire)

January 17th, 2005 (04:50 pm)
current mood: disgusted

Today, people all over the nation resolved to stop the inauguration of Alleged President Bush by holding their breaths all day.

The idea originated from some anonymous person who sent out an Internet email message. "Through this simple exercise," they wrote, "we intend to shame the people in power into realizing that they work for us, and that their actions are immoral...There's no rally to attend. No marching to do. No left or right wing agenda to rant about. On 'Not One Damn Breath Day' you take action by doing nothing. You open your mouth by keeping it closed."

Some people, of course, are doing a bit of ranting. Democratic activist Jesse Gardener set up a Website with a petition for people to sign stating that they would be holding their breath all day. "So far," he says, "over 200 people have taken the pledge. Based on our growth rates, we expect 95% of the country to hold their breath on Thursday."

Local Republican chairman Joe Astro, though, isn't impressed. "You'll note that Gardener's site doesn't include any way for people to report whether or not they actually did hold their breath. There's a reason for that: it's impossible. The world record for holding one's breath is just over eight minutes. If anybody did manage to hold their breath for 24 hours, they'd be too brain-dead to come back to Gardner's site and say so. Not that I would have a problem with that, of course," he adds, laughing. "Anything that kills off liberals is fine with me."

Fine indeed. With Gardener's help, we dug into the origins of some of the contributions he's received since putting up his site; 75% of the money turns out to come from Astro's friends and associates. When asked whether he felt this cast doubt on his cause, Gardener replied, "Not at all. It just means that Joe Astro is secretly one of us." Apparently Gardener had already started practicing holding his breath.